What is forgiveness? How can we possibly forgive what has hurt us in the first place? How can free ourself from hurt, and pain?
Forgiveness is a commonly misunderstood concept.
Forgiveness is the ultimate act of self-care and self-respect you can have for yourself.
What is it exactly?
In my opinion, forgiveness is being at peace with yourself and others. Being at peace with your life's circumstances. Being at peace with your life's experiences.
FORGIVENESS IS ANOTHER WORD FOR FREEDOM.
In order to be forgiving, you need to be in a place of love and compassion. Whatever mistakes or bad choices you did in your life, you did your best. Beating yourself up will not make you feel better.
Just let it go, and move on. First because what happened in the past doesn’t exist anymore. The past is done. Your present is far more important, because you need to make choices and move forward. Do you want to make those choices from a place of guilt, regrets, anger or from past traumatic experiences?
I am assuming the answer is No. You want to make new choices based on your power, based on your joy, based on what feels right now. There is no place for anything else than love.
Fill your body, fill your mind, fill your heart with love and decide to move on.
This is a decision to make, and only you can decide when it’s the right timing. You will come to this conclusion eventually no matter what.
Start to forgive yourself, embrace and honor your mistakes as insights and as meant to be. Infuse compassion, love, self care, self love and move on.
Then it’s easier to forgive others, because you can step into their shoes and feel their hurt. That being said, being forgiving has nothing to do with accepting what happened, and how you have been treated. It has all to do with letting go, and moving on.
Guess what, when you let go, you create more space for your life, for your family, your kids, your relationships, for everything that matters in your life. You create new possibilities.
Being at peace will come from the experience of letting go, and surrendering.
Most of my clients always start by telling me: I am not ready to forgive him or forgive her. They are under the illusion that their anger give them some sort of power. And they imagined a plan for revenge. After few sessions, they start to realize that they need to let go in order to have a great relationship with themselves. So if today, you think you are not ready to forgive, it’s totally fine. Get use to the idea, and maybe start a new inner dialog with yourself.
There is always a time when we feel so much stuck in dramas, stories, and pain, that we have no other choice to believe that there must be another way.
And the good news is when you will be ready, there will be this new way available for you. Forgiveness starts with yourself.
"Healing has its own timing"
STOP THE BLAMING PROCESS ! TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE
Here we are again, on how the divorce makes us feel bad about everything.
On how we become judgemental, and start to blame others about our own insecurities.
This is not my fault, he or she did that…...my parents did that, my sister or brother make me feel that way, etc…
We always find someone to blame.
Does it make you feel good about yourself?
Maybe, but this is an illusion. It’s too easy to think that you are not in control, and that there is some other power taking control over you. This is not the case, and deep down you know it.
You are under the illusion that everything is separated, that you are separated from others, from yourself. You are under the illusion that it’s you against the world.
You are under the illusion that you are not responsible about how your life unfolds.
Do you really want to feel sorry about yourself?
I am assuming the answer is no. The only reason I know it, it’s because we rather want feel good that feel sorry.
Taking responsibility is accepting somehow, that you have your part in what created of your reality, and circumstances.
What if you start taking 100% responsibility for your life, and start to create the life you want.
Would that make you feel empowered ?
You are not separated from anything, you are whole and complete, and perfect as you are. You are born with love and everything you need within yourself.
Taking responsibility for your life will connect your power within. Start another dialog with yourself: I am in charge of my life, and I have the power to create anything I want despite my circumstances.
So what is it that really want and why ?
Who do I want to become?
What do I want experience in my life?
What do I need now in order to move forward?
Reflecting or regaining your power back is far more important that to be annoyed that your ex is late for taking the kids or anything else that could happened (and the list is long , right?) and that you have no control of.
So what is your power?
What is your spirit?
What makes you feel alive?
What makes you feel excited for?
How do you connect to your intuition?
What would make me feel good ?
Take some time to write the answers of those questions, and reflect on them and see how you feel about it.
This new dialog with yourself is a shift of perspective that will give you more clarity.
If you can’t answer right away to these questions, it’s ok. There is no right or wrong answers, only the answers that matters to you, and will support your growth.
How would you feel right now if you already know all the answers of all the questions?
Then you can take responsibility for your happiness, and for the way you feel.
Only you have the power to be happy, to be present, and to create a new experience of your life.
The only way to create a new experience, is to change the way you think, the way you behave, the choices you make and the way you feel.
Would it be amazing to feel in charge of your life and happiness?
Leave all the stories and excuses behind you, and start now to experience of a new way of being yourself.
Send me an email with your thoughts. I would like to hear about your journey and your experiences.
STAY IN PLACE OF LOVE
I would like to share with you a perspective that can shift your life forever. It shifted my life.
I know you feel hurt, angry, resentful, betrayed, guilty, and so much more…..the pain is sometimes unbearable. We don’t understand why. We want let it go, but we hang on to it without knowing why, thinking, this is what it should be. We are addicted to our suffering.
Let’s go backward, and remind ourselves when we met for the first time, our future partners. How do we felt? What was possible? What is it that we really felt attracted to? How do we fell in love? How do we decided to create a family?
This was the time of love. You were in love of the person you probably hate the most today. Did you stop suddenly to love them or did it happen over weeks or years?
It doesn’t really matter, the love was there once. Love is a powerful energy, and we don’t stop loving people on clapping our hands.
There is actually no separation between the energy of love, and the love that we are.
What if you could connect to that place of love and feel compassion for your companion and yourself. What if you could hold this love, embrace it and honor it. What if you could use this love to support your pain.
We can’t live our life from a place of fear and anger forever. So what do you choose now?
What if you start to believe that anyone involved is hurt even if they are already moving on with their life.
Cause the truth is that everyone is hurt. We all did our best. Some of us better than others. Some of us cover the hurt by moving on quickly, some of us will be angry, some us will completely shut down…..Everyone has its own way to process, and there is nothing to judge.
Choosing to be in a place of love doesn’t mean you are agree with what happened, or on how you have been treated. But over the circumstances you choose love, cause deep down this is who you are, this what you seek for.
If I may share my personal story. My first two divorces, I always felt angry, resentful, wanting to be right, blaming, fighting for everything. Wanting some sort of justice, on how dare you treated me like that? What good did it give me ? Nothing, just more hurt, more pain, more sadness, not only for me but also for everyone involved. I lost time and energy on trying to convince myself I was right. So when everything fell apart unexpectedly the third time, I started to question myself, about this pain and hurt, and made the assumption that finally it had nothing to do with my ex wifes, or my circumstances but that pain and hurt was already there from my early childhood, and my emotional imprints. All was happening was only because the way I felt about myself, only because of the stories I made up about myself and what happened to me. All my triggers in the relationship were only a projection of my own struggles.
It was meant to be. I had to go through that in order for me to live what I am supposed to live from a place of love. So what you hate the most in your partner, has something to do with you. Hard to believe, but true.
So I decided to change something and to become someone else, and decided no matter what that I will stay in a place of love for my own sake and healing.
Love heals everything and everyone.
This is the greatest blessings of my life. Then, I had the opportunity to reinvent myself and to work on the most important relationship in my life: the one with myself. My happiness doesn’t depend on anyone else than me. I am responsible for it. I felt it was time to “ Walking home” and be who I was supposed to be, that I could use my light and my power to inspire others, with care, love and respect that we all deserve.
I chose love to make peace with myself. I chose love to be compassionate with myself. I chose love cause it felt finally right in my guts. Was it easy? Sometimes yes, and sometimes not. I had to catch myself when negative thoughts were coming.
I hold onto my decision, and found any ways possible to stay to that place of love until it felt so good, and so right.
My wish for you is that you can find that place of love within yourself and that you start to shift your perspective on the circumstances of your life. Infusing love in your life will give you many blessings and opportunity to heal faster.
It is the only way to take care of yourself and your future. It will impact everyone in your life.
That being said, that doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything.
That will give you the strength to finally find your boundaries, and to respect yourself. Love will help you find what works for you and what doesn't. Love will help you find what makes you feel good or not.
I CHOOSE LOVE over, and over again. What do you choose now?
Feeling overwhelmed is part of the routine when you divorce. You can go from one emotion to another without having time to process. The roller coaster is “on” most of the time.
One of the question that everybody asks me is: How do I control my emotions?
This is it, you don’t control your emotions because they have a lot to teach you about how you react. If we were to rephrase the questions it will be:
How do I process my emotions?
The pain or the hurt comes from the way you react to a situation, not from the situation itself. The way you react to your divorce is more important and significant than your divorce itself.
To make it clear, the way you react has nothing to do with your divorce. Your emotional imprints are talking out loud. Your triggers are talking out loud. Your self-limiting beliefs are talking out loud. Your blockages are talking out loud.
You only get triggered by the way you have been programmed to react.
Mostly based on early childhood and emotional imprints.
This might be a new perspective for you at the moment, and I want to invite you to be open to the idea.
The good news is, this is the perfect timing to connect to all emotions arising. You can aim to understand more about yourself. In order not to prevent you from living the life you want.
Remember, everything that happened in your life, it's an experience. It has nothing to do with who you are.
We tend too much to identify ourselves with our experience, or stories.
You must be able to learn from your emotions. You must acknowledge them and not hide them. This is another opportunity to get to know you.
Ok, Eric, what do we do when you feel sad? When you feel angry? When you feel lonely?
First, don’t make it mean anything about yourself. Don't create more stories than you already did in the past.
It’s ok for me to be…………..(fill with the emotion)
Ex: It’s ok for me to be angry.
Breathe and acknowledge the emotion. See in which part of your body it’s connected. The body can store any of your emotions for years if they are not processed.
Become an observer of your own emotions, and start a new inner dialog:
What is the positive intention behind……..(fill with the emotion)
What is it that I have to learn from………(fill with the emotion)
Whatever comes to your mind is fine. And if nothing comes, it’s totally fine, you don’t have to answer any questions. The more important is to start the inner dialog that will shift the way you think. It’s the repetition of the dialog on a daily basis that will bring answers on its own timing.
The breathing is also one of the most powerful tools. You can use it at any time of the day and especially when you get triggered.
Breathe deeply and slowly.
Inhale through your nose filling your body and belly, exhale through the mouth.
You can imagine filling your body with positive inspiration.
You can imagine releasing in the exhale what does not serve you.
If you allow a space for your emotions to be present and to be felt with no resistance, most of the inner work is complete. You process the emotions and then release them.
Then you can focus on the next crucial question:
What it is that I rather want to experience now?
The more you connect to your emotions, the more you connect with how you rather want to feel. The more you will be able to shift your energy in a place of possibilities.
The more you feel comfortable with the way you feel, the more you can make some new agreement with yourself. You are now able to transcend some limiting beliefs, and old habits.
As I love to say, it's a practice that you can start now. Start to accept the way you feel as a catalyst, as a teacher, as a way to go through your life's experiences.
Don’t let your emotions define who you are.
There is no need to identify yourself with the emotions.
Processing your emotions is a great starting point to heal.
Practice self care and Feel good.
What I am going to share with you is very simple. It helped me a lot.
In my recovery process after my last divorce, I decided to focus myself on a daily basis on what would make me feel good.
I had to redefine what is it that makes me feel alive, that makes me feel good, excited for.
Once I had an idea, I would just dive into it.
I would make sure that I will do it everyday no matter free time I had. Listening to music, watching a good movie, read a book of my favourite author, watching humoristic videos on youtube, going to Yoga, being in nature, planning a trip….It was a way of focusing my attention on something positive.
The more you feel good, the more you want more good.
The more you shift your vibration energy, and the more you connect with a part of yourself that has a tendency to hide when we face challenges.
No matter how sad, or angry, or hurt, I would make sure to practice
‘THE FEEL GOOD FEELING’ on a daily basis, even if I didn't feel like it. I knew it would shift my energy.
I would also make sure that I would have some ‘Me Time”. Sometimes doing nothing, sometimes reflecting, sometimes just appreciating what was good in my life.
When you practice the sense of FEEL GOOD FEELING, you start being to feel amazing.
I would focus first on what would make me feel good, and will choose my social life based on that feeling.
I would make myself a priority, more than being selfish.
The question “ Would that make me feel good? “ was always there whenever I had to take a decision, or take actions.
This practice combine to being in a place of love, will give you a great sense of self care, self compassion. This will relieve weight on your shoulders.
You create a new safe space that would give you comfort and more confidence. This space will open up more possibilities in your life.
You become more connected with being grateful. Focusing on what is good in your life, rather than what is missing.
I made that quote mine:Tony Robbins “ Trade your expectations, for appreciation”.
I would literally drop any expectations of any sort, and shift my mind on appreciation. I would breathe every morning on what I was grateful for. When you practice gratitude, you are in a place of love, and you shift your mindset to beauty, and infinite possibilities.
I invite to reflect on what makes you feel good? And how can you incorporate it on your daily life, first as a practice, and then as something natural and necessary to take care of yourself.
THE EXPERIENCE IS JUST THE EXPERIENCE written by Eric Bensoussan, Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coach
THE EXPERIENCE IS ONLY THE EXPERIENCE.
I would like to point out that we have a strong tendency to believe that we know precisely who we are.
That we control our experience by being certain of who we are, when in fact, a vast part of “who we think we are” has been programmed a certain way from our early childhood and as a result begins to be the subconscious track that plays in the background and becomes the script for how we ought to behave, and how we feel others ought to behave.
We are under a spell called, “We will tell you what to do, what you should do, and who you are allowed†to be”.
Through no fault of our own, we have largely been living under the influence of our parents, our teachers, our school environment, the places we lived, our culture and society, the expectations of others...etc.
I truly ask you to consider the question, “Are we really who we think we are”?
Or can we conclude that these old beliefs are no longer serving us, and it’s time for us to soften, and to begin to let go, understanding that something more evolved will come to take the place.
If we are not careful to be aware, we will fall again into the trap to firmly identify ourselves with our story, our circumstances, our beliefs on what’s possible or not.
We will again make the mistake of creating our identity solely based on the circumstances of our divorce, with the sense of repeat failure, or any other dramatically limiting stories we are telling ourselves.
So it’s time to break the spell.
"I am not my past"
"I am not my stories"
"I am not my divorce"
"I am not my pain"
Everything we live is just an experience. It is not us. And this experience is simply how we have happened to have experienced our life.
There is nothing to judge about how life has unfolded for us. There is no one to blame; not even ourselves.
So therefore, our experience does not define our identity. Our experience only helps us to uncover who we really are.
Every experience is an opportunity to get closer to our true self, identifying our unconscious beliefs, breaking the spells of our childhood, and breaking our past emotional imprints.
My experience of life is an opportunity to break free.
Deep down we already have everything we need to live fully. The human experience is a way of unravelling ourselves. That begs the question, “If I am not my experiences, who am I really?”
I am who I become overcoming my challenges ¨breaking old patterns living my experiences and sharing my truth.
I hope you are starting to see how this is a wonderful opportunity to begin to focus on what we really want and to go after it, with an open mind and curiosity. It’s the perfect time not to let our challenges get into the way on how we really want live our life.
Isn’t it amazing?
You can reinvent yourself day by day. So, Who do you want be?
The experience is just the experience. It doesn’t define who I am.
● Consider that your thoughts create the way you feel.
● Consider that the way you feel create your behavior.
● Consider that your behavior create your experience.
● In order to change my experience, I have to change believing in who I thought
I was, and be open to infinite possibilities.
What kind of thoughts support the person you want become?
Reinventing yourself is about choosing the thoughts that feels right and good for your growth.
Choosing the thoughts that feel right in your heart. And it starts now.
If you knew you couldn’t fail, Who would you want be? What would your life be like?
Take some time to envision it, and see how you feel about it.
You may want take some notes here.
I don't take anything personally anymore, and this has been phenomenal in achieving lasting change and a greater joy in my relationship with myself and with others in the world.
I am truly amazed on how making this agreement with myself has shifted my entire life and made me free no matter what others have to say or think. I just wish I’d grown up knowing that!
You probably know the feeling.
Don Miguel Ruiz, the author of the book THE 4 AGREEMENTS explains it so well:
“Whatever happens around you don’t take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream in their own mind, they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally we make the assumption that they know what is in our world and we try to impose our world on their world. Even when a situation seems so personal even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you.
What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…
Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up…But if you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell. Immunity in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement”
Let me ask you a few questions:
Do you ever feel rejected?
Do you ever take seriously what people think about you?
Do you ever take decisions in your life based on what people might think?
Do you ever get triggered by someone’s opinion?
Only a very few people don’t. We all have been in those places where we don’t feel free or empowered, just because we have not yet gotten in touch with the voice of our Inner Self.
It’s time to break free especially when you are in the process of divorce, because everything will be a minefield, and there will always be a reason to take things personally.
Be forewarned that the anger and the fear will take over and make it worse than usual.
Take a moment, and think about it:
How would your life be if you decide that the opinions of others has nothing to do with you?
What would your life look like if you never took anything personally?
What a revolutionary concept! What freedom you could experience your days with!
All you really must do to master this concept is to make a new agreement with yourself. Once you’ve done that, love will take control over you and will make you feel belief that every decision is yours. You may want focus on experiencing more freedom, more free will, more responsibility for your actions.
Ask yourself, “If I break free from other’s opinions, how would I feel?”
Focus on that feeling when you want do something, make a decision, or clarify a situation.
Practice this new agreement every minute of your life until you start to feel empowered by your own choices. Practice it over and over again, until it flows into your mind, spirit and soul.
Mastering this agreement, you are on your way to freedom and healing. You will feel responsible for your life no matter happens around you. You will make clear choices based on what matters to you and according to your values. You will master of being aware of what is important to you, and why. Each decision makes it clearer, and you feel the power of your free will.
By the way nobody loves being judged or told what to do. Act the same way with others in your life; let them be free of their decisions without being judgemental. We are all on our own journey and deep down we know what’s best for us. When you practice this agreement, you give permission and inspire others to do the same. You stop putting yourself and others in a box, and you stop relating to them through the lens of their past. You let everyone choose what they want and feel empowered by what led them to their choices.
Isn’t it powerful and beautiful?
When we are liberated of other’s judgements, a whole dimension of possibilities opens up and this is the beginning of a complete new experience in your life.
Practice, Practice, Practice over and over again. Nothing ever happened over night.
YOU ARE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE written by Eric Bensoussan, Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coach.
Without a doubt, divorce makes you feel uncertain. You don’t want to change everything in your life because you spent so many years to building it.
This change makes you feel worry about the future. You are in a place of not really knowing if you are strong enough to go through this experience. Indeed you are. And you will discover your power along the way.
Like anything, you must crawl before you walk, and walk before you run. That is the journey.
Part of the process of the divorce or break-up, leads us first to a place of being in shock, and in a place of denial. We strongly resist the circumstances of our lives. And the more we resist, the more the pain grows, the more we feel hurt, sad, and lonely, like a never-ending process. We very quickly feel completely overwhelmed by our emotions. Everything is amplified.
Believe it or not: You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
This is hard to imagine at the beginning, and you may be tempted to think, “If life were fair and if I was indeed worthy of love, how can I possibly begin to believe I am sentenced to feel this level of pain, for a reason!!?”
I was there too. Exactly in your shoes. Let’s stretch your mind and let me give you another idea. How about a new perspective that I discovered for myself.
So chances are , everything until now has lead you to this moment in your life where everything is falling apart, and you just can’t take it anymore. Please know that this is the exact place where you have no other choice but to trust life and to trust that there is something better. In this state, and as quickly as possible, you will want to choose to surrender yourself.
When I first heard this English word “Surrender”, I felt relief without even knowing exactly what it meant at that time.
Though a great amount of consideration of this word and its concept I had the sudden overwhelming understanding that I had been in resistance about everything in the past so far in my life, and was trying to force things to happen even though I realized I had no real control of anything.
So I hit the ground on my knees, and having given up control entirely, I was asking for help, praying to The Universe (you can call it Love, Intuition, God, Nature or anything else that feels right for you): “Please help me to find courage, strength, and hope!”
One thing I knew so clearly at this point; I wasn’t sure anymore about anything in life.
That was the beginning of my surrendering process.
Lost and humble I started to breathe with intent and listen to meditations for 20 minutes every morning and every night, to get myself in a place of calmness and surrender, and connectedness believing that there was a higher power that would help me soon. It was a great way to take care of myself, and to be in action.
That was one of the greatest blessings I experienced, and one of the most powerful catalysts I have ever felt in the journey of healing and becoming strong again.
Surrendering made me feel immediate relief. I could focus on getting better and not blaming myself anymore.
As an added miracle to this process of Surrendering, I started to attract things that would made me feel better, such as: the right book to read, connecting with someone on social media that would share just exactly the right words or sentiment I needed to hear, or discovering an inspirational movie, or meeting someone who really touched and inspired me. In the decision to surrender it truly felt like the Universe was guiding me to the right places, the right moment, and so on.
I learnt that Miracles happen when we shift our perspective. In fact, a miracle is just a change in perspective. What a great concept to integrate. It has been a constant reminder for my life.
I believe the process of surrendering cannot be taught, you can only experience it by putting your faith in a higher power, whatever is you think the Higher power is, based on in regards to your personal belief or faith. Call it Your Inner Intuition, God, The Universe, Spiritual Energy, Love, Gaia, Nature, humanity, etc. Whatever concept fits for you. And then you will feel the shift, the connection, and the guidance you are looking for will come.
This concept is a very real and very powerful one and can also work for you to bring about transformation and change. Though do be sure not to have any expectations on how the guidance and transformation will show up. Our experience is unique.
I like to think that the experience we most need will show up in the perfect way and in our best interest for healing.
Surrendering is giving up on your former belief system, giving up on any negative thoughts, giving up on how everything you think should be, giving up on you trying to control, and giving up on what you think is impossible. It is giving up on you being right or wrong, is giving up on your deepest fears.
Surrendering is also giving up on any meaning you intend to create about your life’s experience.
Surrendering is one of the most powerful gifts you can offer yourself.
Go ahead and find your own experience of surrendering.
Take a few moments to integrate that concept.
What would your life be about if you stopped trying to control everything?
What would your life be like if you knew that everything happens for your own best interest?
What do you need right now to feel relief?
What other thoughts would support the idea of you surrendering?
Those questions are seeds you plant in your subconscious. Whether you find the answers or not, it doesn’t really matter. What matters the most is to change the dialog you are having with yourself.
You will find your own powerful questions, and your own powerful answers in the right timing.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? Read the article if you ever asked yourself this question. by Eric Bensoussan, Transformational & Divorce Coach
As much as it deeply hurts us to do this, we often can’t help thinking somehow that there is something wrong with us, and that must be the reason for everything we experience in our life. Often an endless cycle of thoughts begins:
“What did I do wrong?”, “Why did I fail again?”, “How this is happening?”, and “Why couldn’t I do anything this time to make it better?”.
We feel like a failure to ourselves; ashamed, angry, and guilty. We dream that there is a way of making this thing go away and somehow start to feel better. If only we could fix this.
Indeed, this is normally the default place for our thoughts to go in the circumstance of our life.
As a way of thinking, we focus on our circumstances and therefore, guess what? We make it mean something about ourselves. It failed, therefore I am a failure.
Some examples of the voice you can hear running the show in the background of your mind are frequently: I am weak, I am not loveable, I don’t deserve to be happy, I am a failure, nobody can possibly care about me and my flaws, I am a terrible person, I am rejected.
The list could be infinite, but I’m certain most of you can relate easily.
Now I am telling you something very important, so do pay attention here, even if you are not yet a firm believer: THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
Here is the truth: You did your best and so did everyone involved (even if it’s hard now for you to imagine). We are human beings, and we make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes, and we make more mistakes. And if we don’t get to the point where we understand why we did what we did, we end up creating the same situations over and over again without being even conscious.
We get caught in our mind with our thoughts, patterns, and habits and we identify ourselves with them. We become who we supposed we think we are, who we think we can’t be, who we think deserve to suffer.
All of that inner thinking we have is based on our circumstances. It fact we identify ourselves with the pain we feel because the human being is addicted to suffering. Isn’t it that awful?
Our circumstances run the show most of the time unless we change something.
If we start to change our perspective and take every mistake as an opportunity or a blessing to learn, grow and to get closer to ourselves, things seem to shift and we begin to feel lighter. I am proof of this very concept!
There is nothing wrong with you, or me, or us, or them. We are always doing our best.
So whatever happened in your relationship, the most important step is to drop the story about what you make it mean. And by ‘story’ I mean that inner dialogue; the judgments and meanings that you have formed to justify everything about how you are right.
Begin to seek this shift out right now. Because there is no such meaning about you being a bad person or any other story you are telling yourself. This is just what it is.
Beating yourself up will just entertain the idea of failure. Your circumstances are just your circumstances, and nothing else. Don’t make it mean anything.
In my own experience, finally accepting that there was nothing wrong with me gave me instant relief. I didn’t need to be fixed in any way, I only needed to accept my experience as it was, and get something out of it. I had to remind myself of this concept from time to time, but finally gave me the courage to begin to feel better.
If you can begin to melt a bit and begin to warm to this possibility, then you have already won a huge battle with your wounded Self, and have made a huge step in reclaiming back some of your sense of worth.
All you must do is start having a compassionate conversation with yourself. I would encourage you to start right now with this statement that begins to loosen our hold on the judgments, and start to lean towards the powerful and transformative power of compassion and love:
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
I AM ALWAYS DOING MY BEST.
I AM LOVEABLE AND WORTHY OF LOVE
Close your eyes for few seconds, and repeat those words out loud or mentally, until you start to feel better. You may have to do it again and over again. Remind yourself this statement every day, until it becomes part of your belief system, part of who you become.
Don’t have any expectations on how it’s supposed to help you. Just trust the process.
You may be surprised to find that currently, you are in a state of feeling resistant or frozen to even allowing these words to take effect and to soften you, but have trust these are the words you are to choose to listen to from this day forward.
They have a power. You may design your own powerful words and statement to get closer to the idea, that there is truly nothing wrong with you.
The power also comes in the repetition and the commitment you can make towards doing this simple practice every day over the next week, the next month and ideally the months following that. Remind yourself every day, as a ritual in the morning, or at night until it becomes part of your belief system, part of who you are.
I would highly recommend writing this statement on a piece of paper and put it where you can see it every day. If you find yourself other more personal or fitting powerful words or statement, I‘d love to hear them and to incorporate them if my next update’s book.
Here are some examples some of my clients have shared:
- I am perfect as I am and create the life I want.
- I am whole and complete and free of any of my circumstances.
- I am not my circumstances, and I am beyond powerful.
- I am kind and open to the possibility to break free of my circumstances.- I am the love that I am and therefore use love to rise above from my circumstances.
- I am worthy of love and change my thoughts accordingly.
- I am loveable and have power over my life.
- I am free of any judgments.
Take notes here and create your own statement based on feeling good and empowered by reading it out loud.
Stay in touch with me and let me know how I can help and support you.
THE GUILT OF DIVORCE written by AMY MORENO. Commented by Eric Bensoussan, Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coach.
I was very touched by a blog post I read recently. Amy is going through a divorce. She is courageous enough to express with authenticity her journey. Whatever her process thinking is, she owns it with responsibility without blaming anyone else. She knows she has to heal the wound that causes the Guilt. Guilt is part of the Divorce process. We can feel guilty for everything, as we judge ourselves constantly. Feeling guilty is part of the healing process. Don't make it mean anything. Feel the guilt without any resistance and let it go. Eric Bensoussan
"Two days ago I told my ex that I wished our children had never been born. And in that moment, I meant it. Let me be very clear – I LOVE MY CHILDREN. They are amazing; kind, smart, loving, and a pain in the ass when they want to be.
I grew them for fuck’s sake! I adore them. I really do. But sometimes, there is a resentment and a confusion around parenting that creeps in, and the guilt that goes along with this is nothing short of horrific. So, in that awful moment, as I sobbed my way to work, I was thinking that maybe my life would be somehow easier without them.
Erase the children, erase the guilt.
Wishing my children would disappear is a selfish thought born of denial and insecurity. It’s me, projecting my sense of self-worth onto 2 people who didn’t do a damn thing to deserve this. This divorce, this hurt, this major shit-show of a broken childhood. Any of it.(It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault).
I know that I feel this way at times because of the single hardest thing for me to deal with as far as this divorce and my ‘new trajectory‘ goes, is the bone-deep guilt I feel over breaking my kids’ hearts. I do not know how to settle this within myself.
Sure, I see them, and they are happy and thriving. They are still their silly selves and the acute trauma from last fall after their dad left has eased. But my guilt remains; steadfast, not budging, in my heart and in my gut. It makes me feel physically ill.
All I EVER WANTED was an intact family. I never had that as a child. And now my kids won’t have that either. My inner 9-year-old is hurting badly. Again. It’s grief. I am grieving as a wife, as a mother, and as a little girl who thought she had the life she always wanted. Jesus. That is a lot. No wonder this is lingering. When they are with me, there is a constant unspoken reminder of a missing piece. I feel off-balance, off-kilter, and longing for the family unit that we once were.
I struggle to be present with them because they are a constant reminder of my own shit. My hurt, my loss, my guilt, my confusion. When they aren’t with me, I can ignore that. Do my own very, single thing. I am redefining my life. I am rediscovering who I am. I am trying to rebuild myself outside of my role as a mother. I got swallowed alive by that role. And I harbor resentment toward my kids because of that. Again, not their fault.
When I feel as though I wish that they had never been born, I am also struggling with this fear that no one will love me if I have 2 nearly grown kids. We are a package deal and that is not for everyone.
I am responsible for 2 human beings aside from myself. Who wants to take that on? Sometimes I can barely take care of myself. If they didn’t exist, I could feel my feelings and my hurt and my upset whenever I wanted to; whenever I needed to. When I have them, if I am struggling emotionally, I have to push my feelings down as I don’t want them to worry about their mom. I have a ‘game face’ – everything is sunshine and happiness when they are with me and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to sustain that.
Do I show my emotions to them? Of course, I do! I just can’t share the depth of those emotions during the times when the hurt and the fear and the ache is so primal it brings me to my knees. No one sees that. That is mine and mine alone.
Okay, enough of this shit. I want to tell you about my kids.
Sam is 9. He struggles with anxiety and his own sense of self-worth. He is an amazingly smart kid and loves with a sensible caution. He is an introvert and a highly sensitive person. He loves bugs, Pokemon, reading, and his family. His laugh is infectious and when he gets going, we are usually laughing at him laughing than whatever made us laugh in the first place. He doesn’t like to cry and he has a hard time feeling his feelings. I worry about him. A lot. He looks just like his dad.
Ellie is 7 (soon to be 8). She is an empath and has a huge heart. I am constantly amazed at the depth and clarity with which she is able to express herself. She is a smart, kind, quiet, child. She loves with a reckless abandon and has a dry wit and silly sense of humor. She is a fierce friend and hero-worships her older brother but also stands up to him with a newfound confidence I am thrilled to see. She looks a lot like me.
I cannot imagine my life without them.
Their love, their hugs, their laughter and their tears.I own this resentment and this guilt, hurt, heartache, and confusion. It is mine and mine alone. And I will beat it just as I have beat the other shit that comes up. One day at a time. The Guilt Of Divorce. "
Transformational Relationship & Divorce Coaching.
My life's experiences are the best teacher I have ever had. The most challenging times in my life were also the blessings, and treasures that I had to discover about myself. Everything in life is about relationships. relationships start with ourself.